Managing your emotions as a leader
Ambiguity and change.
It seems like the whole of tech has imploded this past year. Managers are leading through a LOT of ambiguity and a LOT of change. This takes its toll. It’s hard to lead when you don’t have all the answers or control over the situation. You might also be in ‘fight or flight’ mode yourself.
How do you respond in a crisis? Are you calm and composed or do you want to run away and hide? Does your body go into fight or flight? Does it depend on the situation or is it pretty consistent?
I’m pretty calm in a crisis*. I first realised this when I was living in Sydney 25 years ago. We had a first floor apartment with a balcony and incredible views over Manly beach. It was dusk on a warm Summer evening and my flatmates and I were watching the world go by through the open doors.
*Most of the time
The incredible view from our apartment over Manly Beach, Sydney
All of a sudden, we heard a screech of wheels, the sound of something large hitting the trees next to the garden and a huge crash. People started shouting from near the cliff. We ran downstairs and then down the steps to the beach. We found ourselves almost first on the scene of a horrific car crash. A car had driven down the hill, lost control and flown through the air, off the edge of the cliff and onto the promenade below. The car was upside down and you could see a woman’s hair sticking out through the open window. I remember we were all shocked and shaking with adrenaline.
A big man with a broad Aussie accent started shouting, “We all need to lift the car up and get them out!” Like a flash, my first aid and other training from Scouts came sharply to my mind. I felt jolted out of the stupor.
“No!” I exclaimed, “We can’t move them. They could have spinal injuries. Plus the car could explode!” I started looking for leaking petrol.
I was too intimidated by the man who looked older than me and like an iron man (and I was only 22) so I urged Mark and our friend Rick to go over and speak to him, which they did. We waited for the emergency services to come and were asked to make space. Sadly the couple didn’t make it and we read about the sad story of what had happened in the local newspaper over the next few days. Looking back though, what sticks in my mind is that although I was shocked and upset by the scene and noticing the effects of adrenaline racing through my body - chattering teeth and shaking - my thoughts were clear and I had a very strong desire to help.
Leading through a crisis
Thankfully I’ve never had to deal with an actual car crash at work, unlike my best friend who is a police sergeant. There have been some times where I have found myself in fight or flight mode though. Most recently, this was due to layoffs. Unfortunately, like many thousands of other managers across tech, I found myself in the position of facing redundancy and needing to support my team through the process at the same time. Unlike the US, the redundancy process takes a lot longer in the UK and Europe and there are strict legal guidelines. For layoffs of more than 100 people like the round I was part of, the consultation process takes at least 45 days. There was a lot of ambiguity and uncertainty. Questions no-one had the answers to. Who will end up leaving? Who will end up staying? Who will be my manager? Who will do my performance review? Will there be a reorg? Which teams will I be supporting? And on and on.
I approached this the same way I always do. To show up, check in on everyone, give time to people who needed it, push through and answer the difficult questions with as much transparency as I could whilst retaining professionalism. I kept supporting my team and colleagues until the end (and continue to do so now in some cases). I tried to leave my team in the best shape possible when I left and help them with the transition. I was thanked by a lot of people for this and I’m pretty sure I helped a fair few folks through a difficult time. It’s not entirely selfless - it’s what drives me and keeps me motivated. I like helping people. I need to be needed. 😊
Managing your emotions
I was at Leading Design a couple of weeks ago and saw a talk by the wonderful Julia Whitney entitled, Emotional Intelligence: What I wish I’d known. In that she talked about Group Affect and Emotional Contagion. In short, emotions are catching and the emotions of a leader affect the group (for more on this, watch this video she recommended). This struck a chord with me but not for the obvious reason. I am not someone who tends to ‘throw their toys out of the pram’, ‘flip a table over’ or ‘rage quit’ like your archetypal Design leader. As I’ve already said, I remain as calm and professional as I can. In fact a colleague once said this about me,
“Emma who always keeps calm even in the eye of the storm and always has the wellbeing of the team in her mind.”
Like all leaders, I’ve dealt with change and reorgs a fair bit - it’s pretty standard stuff. It can be hard and people react in different ways but it’s your job as a leader to manage your emotions and find a way through. This most recent time was a bit different though. I could feel myself starting to feel triggered in the run up to the announcements. It may have been because I was still in ‘fight or flight’ from losing my Dad last year or maybe because I’m in the fun stage of life called the Perimenopause or maybe just because my body is carrying some trauma from other layoff experiences. My anxiety levels were pretty high. As soon as the announcements were made and our teams found out the extent of what might happen, I went into what I now realise is my version of ‘fight’. On the surface, I probably seemed calm and fine. I thought I was doing ok and looking after myself too.
In moments like that, my instinct is to look after everyone around me, to support and protect people. It turns out though that I am so used to stepping up in a crisis that I don’t allow myself to properly process what is happening. What I actually do is kick it down the road to deal with later. I’m not unique in dealing with stress and grief in this way. Speaking to friends, I think it’s pretty common amongst women. A friend of mine who has recently gone through bowel cancer treatment, admitted to me that she did exactly the same. My friend who almost died from Sepsis did the same. It always catches up with you eventually though.
Allowing yourself time to just be
It took a while but it caught up with me this time too. There was probably a month or so where I had to just STOP trying to move forward and process the last few years. Trying to look for a new job with a brain that felt like it was wading through treacle was counterproductive. I was doing harm to myself. Although I’m now looking for a new role, which is very ‘fight or flight’ inducing in itself, I’m feeling better able to deal with the ups and downs again. When I land the right role, I know I will be in the right mindset to start afresh and get stuck in.
So how can my experience and observations help others? What does this mean for us as leaders? Well we all need to be aware of our emotions, how they affect us and how we deal with them. As we continue to lead our teams through the ups and downs of economic headwinds, storms, and wars, we may experience that ‘fight or flight’ feeling in our bodies. The familiar sensations - heart beating faster, sweating, jittery, chattering teeth, wanting to run away, wanting to punch someone even! If this is sustained over time you become numb to the impact on yourself. Being in perpetual flight or flight with your nervous system activated, just isn’t healthy and takes it toll.
At times like this, it’s important to look after yourself. Exercise, eat well and drink lots of water. Spend time away from your desk, your computer, your phone. Recharge in nature, talk to a friend, hug your kids / dog / partner. Learn about your mind and how to take control of your chimp. Hat tip to my Design Leader husband Mark who recommended this.
At Leading Design, Temi Adeniyi talked about how prioritising self care is important for leaders. She shared this book which encourages setting healthy boundaries. So, as we approach the festive season, I’d invite you to stop and check in on yourself, reflect on the past year and think about how you might better support yourself. As Temi said in her talk, ‘Put on your own oxygen mask first’.
